Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
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