my phone needs a breathalizer
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
