Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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