If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Randomize
