I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
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