Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
