if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
