I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
