Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
