Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
