I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
