Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Randomize
