shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Randomize
