he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I got inside last night via doggy door
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
