Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
