Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
