I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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