I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
You ate ashes out of my bong
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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