I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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