from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
sarcasm needs its own font
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
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