Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Randomize
