So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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