Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Randomize
