Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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