two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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