i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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