next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
