So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
