puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
