my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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