I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I cut my penus on the lid.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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