You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
