My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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