he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
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