I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
