me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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