I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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