That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
