he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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