she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize