i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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