my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
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