nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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