the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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