Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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