alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
