if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
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