I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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