so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
why do cheetos always look like penises
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Randomize
