It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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