If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Randomize
