I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
