I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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