i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
