I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
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