Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
