I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Randomize