I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize