Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
