it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Randomize
