He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
