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you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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