Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Randomize
